Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
