He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
