I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
