Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
