Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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