you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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