It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
