Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
