when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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