Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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