the condom got lost in my hair
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
