She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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