Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
