Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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