Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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