Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
