The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
