I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
