I wish my penis had an off switch
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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