You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
