She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Less talking, more tequila
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
