remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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