Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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