nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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