Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
