I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize