I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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