So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
