I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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