um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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