I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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