I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I currently don't understand fingers.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
