Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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