I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
