You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think i have two assholes
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize