It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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