Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
