Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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