my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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