I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
