She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
