I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize