Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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