can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
