Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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