she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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