How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
