Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have aggressive nipples.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
