At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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