i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
