I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
