omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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