woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
