i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
