I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
