found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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